The Insufficient Pastor

Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Corinthians 3:4–6, ESV)

"Do you really think you are capable of leading the church where we need to go?"

Those words on a screen don't look as cold and harsh as they did when they echoed in my ears. On the screen, here, they passively sit waiting to be read; in my ears, they actively pierced... sharply, like a poisoned arrow dripping with the venom of disdain and dismissal. On the screen, they can be read any number of ways, and if you are in a comfortable place right now, they probably sound like a question.

But those words were not a question. They were an accusation.

On second thought, it was more than an accusation; it was a declaration disguised as an interrogative. In reality, that sentence was a death sentence, a condemnation spoken over my ministry and my character.

Nine years of ministry dismissed. My preaching despised. My family critiqued and then cut out like a cancer, swept away silently, cast out and erased.

"Do you really think you are capable..."

I said yes. That was only half true. The full truth begins with a resounding "NO!"

No, I am not capable of leading.

No, I am not qualified to pastor.

No, I am not able to do all that needs to be done.

No... even before I slipped into a year of loneliness, depression, discouragement, and burnout ... I was not capable. And no... even coming out of that painful cave, I could not guarantee I would have what it takes. In fact, I would eventually - even with renewed effort, increased engagement, and redesigned systems - I would eventually fall short again.

The truth is I was insufficient, and I will always be insufficient, because no one can be sufficient. Paul declared himself and his co-laborers as insufficient in themselves. The nature and demands of ministry are beyond the scope of human achievement. And the moment we think we are sufficient, we misunderstand what ministry is.

There are human means to gather a crowd, appeal to people, manage an organization, and promote events. It is not supernatural to develop master plans, nor is it necessarily spiritual to cast a long-range vision. We can find people sufficient for these things; we can persuade people to these things.

But building Christ's church is a spiritual endeavor. The new birth is a supernatural miracle. Conviction over sin, submission to the Spirit, and bearing the fruit of righteousness are beyond the reach of human engineering. It takes patience and faith to plow hard hearts, water dry souls, and wait for unseen roots to take hold. But that's how God works; it's not just about results, it's about getting to know Him in the journey.

No one beginning a workout regimen gets results after a week. That's an unreal expectation, but that doesn't stop people from being discouraged after a week with no visible results! The truth is, healthy growth happens slowly after seasons of difficulty and discipline. Cancer grows quickly, and fat accumulates easily, but strength and health take time and effort.

The only sufficiency we can hope to have is found in Christ, who makes us ministers of a new covenant, a covenant where circumcision is of the heart and done by the Spirit. We can't make it happen, and we don't see it immediately. It is a work of faith that slowly reveals itself from one degree of glory to the next. One degree at a time is not a fast process, but God is not throwing up temporary housing; He is building an eternal kingdom.

Am I sufficient for these things?

Do I really think that I am capable... ?

No, but Christ makes me capable. He will prove faithful, and He will perfect my imperfect efforts. He will provide sufficiency where I have none; all He asks me to do is follow Him, submit to His Word, and wait on Him in faith. And we will find, when we seek His righteousness over results, and His kingdom over our expectations, He will move and build something far more enduring and far more glorious than anything human effort could dream up or achieve.

In the meantime, "let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9, ESV)